Having a moment - Tinder Sequel

At this point I feel slightly bad that I'm turning my Tinder experience into a social experiment. Such is last Friday when I was going to Yoga, and posted my first "moment". As far as I can tell, it's a picture you can take, add words to, and then it becomes viewable to only your matches for 24 hours. By the time I'd finished the class, it already had 15 likes. After the whole 24 hours, it had.37 likes! 

Little do they know this is the only pose I can do with any conviction, and it was completely staged. The guys I'd been talking to definitely mentioned it, and a few that hadn't bothered to say hi all of sudden felt compelled to.

One of the guys said, "Hmmm, that will give gentlemen bad thoughts...." Uh yea, maybe that was the point. I can't bust into a rant about how guys are pigs because to be fair to these poor unsuspecting souls, the more I think about it, the more I'm convinced it was a trap. I'm the pig. 

I just wanted to see what would happen. And at first I thought 37 was a lot of likes, until I started to count up my matches, and realized I have over a hundred. This perfectly demonstrates the other issue I've had with Tinder lately. I'm bloody well addicted to it! It's been my comical muse, but I feel very strongly, it's almost time to say goodbye. 

Ustin's are OUT! - Tinder sequel

If you're wondering why I'm doing sequel posts, which are out of character for me, my first Tinder post had 156 pageviews. This is a new record for me, it's predecessor post being in the neighborhood of 60-65 pageviews.

So after we've both swiped right on Tinder, we chat away until I pass his crazy screening and he gives me his number, and we chat some more, eventually we get to the point where he suggests we meet up. (I never suggest this, what am I? A clinger?)  For those of you yelling "DANGER ZONE!", including all my more wise family members, let be clear, I'm not dumb. Public crowded places people!

The group I went July long weekend camping with teased me because the first two guys I chatted with for any length both had Ustin names. I would give you an example, but I can only think of the two actual names, and I've decided to change the names of everyone I talk about because:
1. My nicknames are funnier
2. I don't want to be sued

3. I don't want any of them to read this and be offended. 

4. The world is far too small not to cover my butt. 

5. I have a conscious! 

These poor guys knew I'm a writer, but did they know I'm going to document them? Probably not. 

So anyways, my first date was with Shy Guy Says. Poor guy. For a first date, I much prefer coffee, then what was our dinner date at a local bar. Coffee can be 15 minutes or two hours. Dinner, not so much. So the guy was shy, and such a SWEETHEART, but not a little shy. Not nervous shy. SUPER shy. I am not shy. I was WAY too much him. I hated myself on this date. I never freaking shut up. I barely took a breath. Ugh. 

The other Ustin and I had tentative plans, but he met someone at his sisters wedding and blew me off. Since then, he's sent me a message saying things fizzled with her. Well how sad for you. I am not a consolation prize. Moving on...

I had a date this past Monday with Sqammy, named so because he lived in Squamish. Completely opposite to my first interaction, I couldn't get a word in edgewise! Yea I know. Hard to believe someone was more talkative than me. We had coffee, walked around UBC. He told be about moving to Australia in January. Then he gets a frantic text from his sister who needs a ride home. An out? Maybe, maybe not.  I haven't heard from him or his skinny jeans since. 

Then Thursday I have a coffee date with the Friendly Giant. He was 6'3 and damn, this guy was nice! Normal even! We chatted for a while. I was slightly put off that he kept checking his phone, but that could have been a nervous thing. I liked myself on that date, I was somewhat charming. I did cut things slightly short though. Did I just want to be chased? Maybe. He'd like to go out again, but I just feel like we rubbed some sticks together for a while with no spark. I feel like he deserves better.

More Tinder Turn offs - guys who live at home, smokers, and guys with scary tattoos. You laugh, but it's a thing! If his tattoos are going to give me nightmeres, and when I see it all I can think about is rolling over in the middle of the night and coming face to arm with it and I shiver with fear? Out! 

So then I'm thinking maybe I'm being too picky. But the other day, I had a moment...a photo I take of myself and share with my matches for 24 hours. Check back!

Stage 5 clinger - Tinder sequel

Let's explore a recent accusation against me about being one. At first I was slightly offended, and geared up to defend myself, until I realized he'd hit the nail on the head.

For those playing the home game, there are only five stages of being a clingy individual, and stage 5 is the worst. The Urban Dictionary definition is: A member of the opposite sex that is likely to become overly attached, overly fast. Virgins, those on the rebound, and the emotionally fragile are more likely to have this term applied to them. Orignally from the movie Wedding Crashers.

In my defense, I was two out of three of those, and no, I'm not a virgin. But I should have figured this out sooner to be honest, there's been hints. One friend gave the advice, "Well Jenn, you're just a lot to take all at once". Another friend suggested, "Don't let on that you're too attracted too quickly, you'll scare them off."

Just to bring it all home for me, I had a clinger message me on Tinder. Repeatedly. He'd send 6 to my one. And at one point he said, "do you not want to talk to me?" It was when I realized I was totally put off, and my instinct was to run for it, that things really clicked. 

Let's consider this a Tinder Turn Off, but against me. So I might cling a little. I'm also less than reasonably short. I don't wear make up. I drive a less than glamourous 91' Ford Escort. But the biggest turn off so far? I'm not in it for hook ups. Tinder on! 

Deciphering code - Tinder sequel

So let's be honest, Tinder started out as, and some people still use it as a hook up site. That being said, some guys have figured it out and put what they're looking for in their write up, which is helpful. I avoid the friends for a night kinda guys.

Some are pretty forward. "Hey you want to hang out tonight?" As their opener. They're only looking to get to know one part of you.

Also, "coffee" means I want to get to know you, "drinks" is code for I want in your pants. Right now. After I get a couple drinks in you.

I feel so proud when a guy gives me his number, like "Yes! Passed the crazy screening!" Which has the opposite effect when you actually say that. Imagine a nervous laughter...

One guy opened with, "What's your most awkward sexual moment?" Which I found interesting. It feels a lot like a book idea. So I told him a story about trying to take my undies off and it getting hooked on my foot and falling out of bed. Funny, but still makes a good first impression, right? WRONG! He told me a ronchie story involving his mouth, a girls bum, and ingesting poo. Unmatch.

He was doing what we call paying the odds. Lots of guys take this strategy. Eventually one in one hundred girls will think that's fantastic he took one for the team like that and they live happily ronchie after.

To be honest, other than Poo Guy, I haven't had any awful experiences chatting, which from a writing perspective is awfully boring. But there was that 5th degree clinger...check back!

I'm yelling TINDER...

To be honest, I've been tempted to write about my experience with Tinder, but then I'd actually have to admit I'm on it. Which I wasn't so willing to do in the article I wrote for my college paper about being single but some reason the entire internet feels much more intimate.

So for those of you playing the home game, Tinder is a hook up app that connects to Facebook. It became super popular during the Olympics, because it finds you matches by how close you are, so people could randomly hook up all over the streets of Vancouver. Can you imagine? "Mmmm, this chick's HAWT, and she's 1km away..."

I made a profile with up 6 pictures from my Facebook account, my name and my age. There's also an option for a write up, but I felt far too much pressure and opted out it. I was tempted to write, "looking for someone who likes cooking and is good at it", but I didn't.

That's it ladies and gentlemen. That's all you have to base a huge decision of swipe left for yes and right for no. It feels completely judgmental! How on earth is that ethical? That being said, it's addictive. I'm not ashamed to say I'm swipe happy.

The app also brings up matches who you have common friends with, and common interests. I must have gone nuts one day for interests, I have over 35. Most of which are outdoorsy like hiking, fishing and camping, so I keep getting this super athletic, outdoorsy guys, not that I'm complaining...

I think it would be mean to admit who I've run into that I know in real life, matched based on our common friends on Facebook, but lets just say it's 100 times more jarring than complete strangers.

I've noticed a few reoccurring trends; pictures with dogs, full back tattoos, guys holding guns and topless selfies. The last of which is a Tinder Turn Off for me, and since they're so funny, let me tell you about other automatic swipe rights...

I click no automatically to guys who have girlfriend pictures, too many alcohol pictures, and pictures where you can't see their head. Duh. Don't get me started on the one gem who just had a picture of his junk, in a pair of WET white underwear. Doesn't leave too much to the imagination, does it Grandma? (I know she reads my blog, don't worry Grams, I didn't take a screen shot)

For no explainable reason I also say no to guys who wear scarves. I feel like they're too artistic for my taste. Maybe too metrosexual. I realize this makes no sense. The poor guys are just cold, and I'm not giving them a chance.

I also say no to all guys named Gary, because that would just be weird. Its my dads name, and even though it's pretty uncommon, I'm surprised how many popped up on Tinder. Maybe it's the same guy over and over again, I would never know. I swiped "OUTTA HERE" too quickly.

When I do get matched with a guy, and they message me, I can't stand it when guys use improper grammar, punctuation and spelling. I dun care if u think ur 2 cool for skool, it drives me CRAZY! I'll overlook the occasional "u" or "r" but use two, too or to incorrectly, all bets are off. On an unrelated note, I just discovered an "unmatch" button...

Wow, that's a lot of Tinder Turn Offs. Well a few things I say yes to are guys who put a smiling picture as their first picture, and ones who write something witty in their write up. And gingers. Oh my goodness the gingers. I have something for freckles, and gawd help me if they're covering their entire body head to toe (my only exception to the topless selfies rule).

So far I have lots of matches, I'm talking to a half dozen guys, and I've been on couple dates...but this post is long enough, I guess you'll have to check back for an update ;)

"Beat the heat!"

I hate this phrase. Everytime I hear it, for no good reason, I cringe. The thing is, I don't consider it a phrase, because a phrase is spoken by people, in day to day conversations. This annoying combination of words has only every been used in bad advertising. Ever heard your friend say, "darn good thing I got this popsicle, it's helping me to BEAT THE HEAT!" No. Not even close. It's slogan. I bet the clever bugger that first came up with it is rich as sin. I bet he uses it in conversations, and I hope his friends tease him about it. I would.

DINK

A friend of mine dropped this one of our conversations the other day, it's an acronym for "Duel Income, No Kids". The problem is he used it in a unique context of, "Can't blame him, he's dink..." I feel like you can only use an acronym with success when it's not already another word. I told him dink was taken, now twice. Poor Dinosaur.