Never a dry eye

I keep thinking about that phrase "there wasn't a dry eye in the place" because someone said that about the Celebration of Life we had for dad. I didn't see a dry eye at the one for my cousin Aaron either. To be honest, there's been a lot of places since then too. There wasn't a dry eye in the car to work some days. Lots of days. In the living room when we watched that video again the other night. At the dentist when they asked about dad. At the hair dressers. Just now in the kitchen when we heard that song that hit a little too close to home, not a single dry eye. But I heard someone say it's a testiment to the love we had for them, and that I believe to be very true. 

My one open letter

Dear Mr. Sheeran,

I’ve decided to write you a letter because I have an aunt who lives in L.A. and there’s a radio station there announcing that now you’re done your tour, and looking for a nice girl to bring back to your mansion in Ireland. Like the rest of the bloody planet, I’ve been serenaded by your love songs. I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t put my name forward for that, because if and only if BOTH the sharting story and the ketchup story are true, we are soulmates.

I actually don’t even know how I’ll get this to you, because I don’t have a clue where you are. How do you get a hold of celebrities? If you’re witty/tragic/rude enough to catch their attention online. It must be comforting for people who have stalkers to have someone admit that.

I’ve also never been to Ireland, although I said if I was ever single again I wanted to kiss my way from one coast to another. As many gingers as possible per kilometer. Ah yes, full disclosure, I have thing for gingers. But I’d promise to be on my best behaviour if we went there. I'm all talk anyhow. 

Are you close to Seattle? It’s just over the border into the States, Washington actually, from Canada. Which is where I am. Not in an igloo, although it would probably be more spacious. I’ll be in Seattle in just over a week, but I’m taking a ridiculous way of getting there. I’m riding my bike the 260km in the Ride to Conquer Cancer. Does that make me tragic, do I fit the bill? Nah, I don’t have a life threatening disease, but I have raised almost $4000 for the cause, which is still lots of money to me, as I’m not horribly talented and successful.

On the successful note, I haven’t checked the Wikipedia page you inevitably have, because I like to think we’re the same age. But maybe you’re just rising to fame before your twenties and that makes me at least 8 years your senior, and a cradle robber. Or you’ve got a baby face. My friends date older guys. Ok, I have this ONE friend who dates WAY older guys. She’d give me the ok as long as you’re not old enough to be my dad. Ew, for the record.

Now that I’m into the 5^th paragraph, and frankly if you’re still reading this, we’re on a first name basis, is Ed short for anything? I know an Ed, his name is short for Edward. Like Edward Cullen! I’ll pretend not to be a closet Twihard, as long as you don’t sparkle when you’re shirt comes off. But damn, that would be funny right?

I guess it’s hard for famous people to date eh? I wouldn’t know. That same aunt from LA sees celebrities all the time, and she just ignores them, says they want to live average lives. I’m sure we have famous people here too, but I bet they hide because we don’t share Auntie’s mentality. But it’s not like you can just put yourself online. And I hate going on a date where the servers are too scandalously dressed, but I can’t imagine them throwing themselves on the table trying to get obscene body parts signed.

So then what? You just rent out the entire revolving restaurant? How low key. No pressure right? “I’ve made everyone here sign confidentiality agreements, how’s the chicken?”

And don’t let your friends set you up man, dammmnnnnn. Maybe you have friends with better judgment than mine, but what is it about being single that makes everyone try to pair you all up? I swear I’ve been on dates where the only thing we have in common is the fact that we’re single. Yes he’s a warm body with a heartbeat and no ring on his left hand, but I was looking for a little more...

And you have that whole fortune thing to take into consideration, because I’m betting SHE will. I’ve never had that problem. I had a boyfriend once that had me put things on my credit card and then he paid me back, but that’s just because I was slightly less broke than he was.

On that broke thing, I did attempt to go to your show when you came to Vancouver, but I don’t often go to concerts, and I couldn’t figure out how to buy tickets properly. The only ones that came up were over $80 each, because as my sister pointed out, it defaults to “most expensive first”. You were too expensive for me darling, but I heard you nailed it.

Yes darling. Because I’ve almost run out of things to say, and shockingly I still have your attention. I had a friend that shattered my dreams of convincing you to fall in love with me because she’d heard you were gay. I googled it and found your tweet about not being gay, not having a girlfriend, just enjoy the music. Oh we have though! If I lost 40 pounds, and learned how to dance in a way that didn’t embarrass my friends when we go out, I could almost be that brunette in the Thinking Out Loud video. Although I don’t know which is more outlandish, especially since this was me last weekend.

Yes. That’s icecream. I lived on that and wine for 5 days, got a tattoo with my grandma and called it a vacation. The time before that I jumped out an airplane tandem. I’ve sworn against ever doing it again, because it scared me half to death, but should you want to try it, we could strap together and give ‘er a go. I’ll make that exception.

Is it a bucket list item for you? Is the plan to keep writing chart topping songs? I have no musical talent to speak of, I played the trumpet in middle school, but I mostly just held it up and pretended. Please do keep it up though, myself and the rest of the lonely women in the world need a pairing to fuzzy socks and wine. I won’t add ‘tears’ here, we’re not THAT pathetic.

I think if there was ever someone deserving of love, it would be you. I don’t like the idea of people deserving other people though, same as I don’t like the idea of “dating someone out your field” or “dating down” because it implies a hierarchy of humans. It makes me uncomfortable to think that we’re evaluated against each other, based on what? Material items? Money? Stature? I had to add that one, I’m only 5’0 tall. But maybe that’s why I’ve worked up the courage to write to you. I believe we’re all equal. Except rapists and murderers, don’t get me started.
Well you’ve made it this far, I hope you’ve had as much fun as I have, and you’re smiling, even if you’re not Ed Sheeran, but especially if you are.

Love,
(oh yea, you’ve read it this far my fine feathered friend...)

Jenn

Presleep musings

Some people have told me they have a hard time turning their brain off at night, they think about their day, problems, the great mysteries of the world and why we're here. I've never had this experience. The only thought that's ever kept me up is, "Right. So I have to pee. But I'm super comfortable. Would I be more or less comfortable if I got up, versus trying to hold it all night?" I usually fall asleep before I can properly make up my mind. And no, I don't ever pee the bed, it's not that kind of blog post. 

How rude autocorrect

When people ask me what was my most embarrassing moment, I have to think about it. Not because I don't have one, but because I have SO many, that were so many levels of embarrassing, it's hard to pick just one. This kind of stuff happens to me regularily, and I blame my twisted sense of humour, one hundred percent. But this time, I blame autocorrect. 

So Saturday I was hanging out at a friends for a BBQ/pool party and I remembered a guy I graduated with completed an Iron Man, so I wanted to message him on Facebook and congratulate him. We'd talked about going biking together, so when he asked me how my training is going, I said we should make it out, so he could kick my butt. Only thing is, my phone autocorrected "kick" to none other than "lick". Yup, I told a gorgeous guy I haven't seen in years he should lick my butt. Great. I don't blame him one bit for not messaging me back. 

Hill ride

Since I was only doing a shorter ride yesterday, I decided to make it count and ride up a big hill we have in my city, Coast Meridian road. I'd ridden it once with dad back in the day, he kicked my butt! I was going pretty good, in the lowest gear, grinding away.  At the intersection at David Ave, a lady leaned out her car and said, "good for you! That's a big hill!!" Thank you stranger. 

I ride some of the way with a kid too, he couldn't have been 13-14. I kept saying things like, "keep at it! You're almost there" and "pick it up buddy, I'm catching up!" I was pretty sweaty when I got to the top. 

And the sunset was so nice yesterday!! 

The way down was totally worth it. A guy in a truck going the other way honked and yelled "good job!" So threw a fist in the air (just one, gotta be safe) and whooped! Then I check to make sure my nipples weren't showing through my shirt. They weren't. 

It wouldn't surprise me if Dad beat me up last night too. Three hard kilometres though, it felt good. 

Singleness do's and do not's

I've been single for eight months now, so in practically an expert. Hardy har har. Ok so I've compiled a list of observations set out as guidelines...

DO go underwear shopping

If your collection is anything like mine was right out a long term relationship, time to invest. Sexy underwear for me usually includeds some awful combination of lace and animal print. With every new pair, throw out a pair with holes...

DO NOT keep your ex on social media

If you do, be prepared to find out with the rest of the world when he's dating someone new. I dated a guy once who three days after we broke up, his new girlfriend posted a picture of them in bed together. Ew. 

DO try some new things

You'll probably have a lot of free time to fill, try something you've never done. Sign up for an art class. Try Zumba. Say yes to the random Facebook invite. You might find yourself having fun, and meeting new people. Or if you're like me, in some strange situations with lots of good blog material...

DO NOT call your ex at 3am

He does not want to hear from you, or maybe worse, he does. You broke up for a reason, this is NEVER a good call. 

DO something you've always wanted to

No strings attached means don't hold back. That secret ambition you're embarrassed to let out? Do it! 

DO NOT rebound

It's never pretty is it? Yes we all know that one person who it worked out for, but I'm willing to bet we also know ten who it didn't, if we properly inventory. And let's keep that poor other persons feelings in mind while we dive in before we're properly ready. 

DO you 

Let your freak flag fly. Not everyone is a hiking, rich, spontaneous, dog loving vegan. I'm weary for "I'm normal!" Sounds boring to me, if you in fact are, ya weirdo. Freak on. 

Got nailed

I'm feeling like a huge gimp today because of a series of unfortunate events that have people wondering if I'm doing it on purpose. The bruise on my left arm from Tough Mudder is still healing. Then Monday I got a golf ball sized bruise on the front of my right arm from loading my bike on the rack for my training ride. On Wednesday I got an old Christmas light nail in my leg from my friends lawn.

I used to tell people I do well in panic situations, but appriently that's only if it's other people are panicking, because when I saw the nail hanging out, I was all screams, yelling and cursing until it was removed. (Thanks Kevin!)

So yesterday I had to get a tetnus shot in my left arm for the leg. 

Darn good thing the bungee cord I took to the face Sunday trying to get my bike on didn't bruise, people would be asking where the trunk went that ran me over. 

I think it's a combination of being a clutz, and I bruise easy. Compiled with a willingness to do rididculous things like Tough Mudder. Good thing I have a convincing smile!