Applying for a Job 1100

Every retail job I've had, the comic relief has always been what some people will wear/say/do when they are applying to work there. I just can't believe how clueless some people can be. I've compiled a list of donts, because the do's list would just be the opposite, and it's more fun this way.

DON'T come with your mom, dad, or bff.
DON'T let your mom ask for applications on your behalf. I'm always tempted to put stars on these so I know with whom they're coming back.
DON'T wear a t-shirt, but especially an inappropriate one. "That's not what your mom said last night.."
DON'T wear your lulu's/jeans/sweater. Dress fancy, or at least as dressed up as you would need to be to work there.
DON'T try to apply to a place that's super busy, it's annoying.
DON'T ask for a pen if you're dumb enough not to have brought one with you to fill out the application. It's also annoying. Ask another store.  Buy one. Take it home and drop it off later.
DON'T wear anything see through, too short or too low. It's gross.
DON'T put your resume down on the counter and slide it over.
DON'T throw your resume at me.
DON'T roll out of bed and show up. Combs were invented a 100 years ago for a reason.
DON'T look dumb faced when you're asked why you would want to work here. That means you don't. Have a half intelligent/thought out answer for this one.
DON'T apply somewhere you don't want to work. It shows.

Dammit people, you're making a first impression on someone. The likelihood of you being the only one who applied is slim. Don't give them an obvious reason to put you in the "NO!" pile.

Radar alert

I can’t help but laugh every time I hear a radar alert on the radio in the morning. “Also, there’s radar on this street so watch your speed people!” If I was that cop, I would just pack up my shit and move...who doesn't listen to their radio in the car? It feels like elementary school when the teacher left to photocopy, or count to ten or whatever they did, and havoc would ensue. And then the watcher would always YELL, “teacher’s coming!” and everyone would sit straight in their desks with their hands folded. And we wondered how they knew. I wonder if all the cars start going the speed limit on that street after a radar alert? Just like our elementary school teacher, I bet the cop knows better.

Ketchup

Since living together, my roommate and I have had a few sitcom moments, and one of my favourites happened in the first month I was here. Kirsty was sweet enough to cook us dinner, chicken and some fixings. I glanced at the fridge on the way to the living room, thinking I didn't want to hurt her feelings, or offend her by putting ketchup on my chicken. Most of my friends and family know I put ketchup on MOST foods. Chicken, roast, roasted potatoes..the list goes on. But some people take it the wrong way, after all it is a condiment. So I decided to take one for the team and go without. Then Kirsty came around the corner, ketchup in hand. When I said, "whats the ketchup for?" She started in on the same speech I usually give, and I interrupted her with a tear in my eye. "Me too! I eat ketchup on everything too!" And from then on the ketchup makes it to the table for most meals, shame free.

Inflatable chest

Today I asked my new roomie to help me straighten the back few strands at the back of my head I can never get, and we agreed lots of girls miss them. She said she wished she could take her hair off to style it, and then put it back on. I said I wished I could do that with my boobs sometimes, take them off when I don't need them. Or maybe just inflate them.

Going for a run, don't need 'em...*pheeeeewwww* Oh, going out with the girls on the town *pump pump pump* I wanna fit into this sexy lingerie *pheeeeewww* when it comes off *pump pump pump*. Yup, I think we're on to something.

Craigslist couches

If you're ever bored, and have a craving to see the a large collection of ugly furniture, go to the free section of Craigslist and type in "couch". These are just a small smapling of the jems you'll find there.

   

For the record, just because your couch is from the 70's does not make it an antique, it's just an ugly old couch. Also, the definition of the decriptive word "floral" is very large.

One add actually said, "my cat has done some damage to the back, but if you put it up against a wall, you'd never know!"

Lanyard status

Ever since the first time I went to Mirage, I've always wanted to wear one of those lanyards they give you on your birthday. It always looked so prestigious and I had this idea in my mind that it would be the ticket to endless free drinks. Since life got too hectic to plan my birthday, last minute I decided this was the year, because lets face it, at 24 it'll be the last year I can get away with it. I was heart broken when we got there I found out that they didn't have any lanyards because they were on back order. Well I must have looked crushed because not too long later, they delivered one to my table, with a complimentary bottle of champagne. I had an absolute blast. My friends ended up buying a lot of my drinks, I danced my heart out and I woke up in the morning still wearing my dress, my purse and TWO lanyards. Rock on.

Animals and babies

Since my generation didn't grow up with Facebook, it's easy to see how the social media outlet has changed things. Some things have come up that I didn't for see, like people who always post about the same thing, or people who post pictures of themselves in the bathroom mirror taken with their camera phone (the guys are always topless). Other things are completely predictable like when my friends have kids and all of a sudden they start posting a million pictures of baby feet, funny faces and the child's milestones. We can tease them, until we have kids and do the same thing. Some of my friends though, they had animals.

There's no other way to describe it. Perhaps they weren't ready to have kids yet, and later in life they will, but these people do all the same things as the people with kids, only about their pets. The nursery is a dog bed, there's pictures of family holding it, and my personal favourite, updates about bowel movements. "Whiskers isn't feeling well today, better make the hubby change the litter box today..." Next time you're scrolling through your news feed, you'll notice your friends who had animals, I'm sure everyone have got at least one on their friend list.