Bad move

The cemetery in the background could just be a coincidence, but it's just not a move I can get excited about....

Vodka crotch

I swear this kind of stuff only happens to me. So I went out to a friends beer pong tournament a few weeks back and I brought everything I needed in a reusable bag. The next day when I was packing everything I needed for work and a date after work, and I used the same bag. As it turns out, some vodka must have been spilled where I laid my bag down. So when I packed my jeans for my date, they got soaked in vodka. Not only did they reek of booze, but you'll notice it appears to have soaked in a perfect pee stain pattern. So after debating whether or not this would prove advantageous for me, I wore my work pants to me date. But my coworkers and I had a good chuckle. Depending on the guy, that could have been a selling point, should he get close enough to smell the booze and not just assume I peed myself...

Imperfection

This picture hangs in my bathroom. It matches the wall colour so well when I moved in, I just left it there. Not that I'm usually one for small details, but do you notice the yellow two by four nailed to the second post of the fence second from the right? I'm sure Ikea didn't plan on this imperfection, but it actually makes me like the picture more. Even the perfect fence on the perfect beach needs a little help sometimes. Keep on keeping on fence! 

Tinder aftershocks

This is phenomenon that's been going on for a while, and partly I didn't want to blog about it, because I didn't want to call these guys out on it, and for it to stop. A happy repercussion of blogging about meeting strangers, and posting it on Facebook, is that I also unknowingly announced to all the single guys I already know that I'm on the hunt.

When I was in school, the emphasized using the network you already have to find work. Tell everyone you know that you're looking, because you might be surprised. Same strategy I feel. Finally, I've really brought it home.

So yes, I've had a bunch of attractive, charming and amazing guys drop me a line on Facebook, coincidentally or not, because of my blog. Guys I already know! From all stages of my life too. That I already have background with, and know aren't mass murders, or rapists. Because that's another online stigma that I keep hearing, and logically I know that most aren't. But it only takes ONE doesn't it? Girls, I'm telling ya, there's something to this, I'm sure of it. Keep it coming gents!

My thoughts on loss

Before dad, I'd only ever had to deal with the death of a hampster when I was a kid. I'd been to one funeral, a Celebration of Life for a family friend, Auntie Patty. She was a lovely lady I felt fondly for, but it was dad that had grown up with her. I think I always knew losing dad would be the hardest for me, he was just the biggest part of my world. But I imagined being a lot older. I imagined having a husband and kids by then. Now I won't have him to walk me down the isle, or meet his grandkids.

I always imagined life would stop. But that's the weird thing about being grief stricken, life kept going. I still had to get up and go to work to pay my bills. The laundry and dishes still piled up. Dad was at peace, but no one else was. I went from talking to him everyday, to just being able to reminisce about him.

I tried hard to be strong. This "strength" word I kept hearing. I was just faking it at the start. Suddenly though, a week went by. And I was still here. Then a month. Now it's been over six months. He's still gone. Sometimes I see pictures of him, or he shows up in my dreams and it shocks me like it just happened. But I'm still here. And I know he'd want me to make the best of it, like he did. The best compliment I get is when people say they see him in me. Especially when I've done something out of the box.

People tell me the Celebration of Life we had was lovely. I hope they're right. I hope dad got to see how packed it was, with all the people he touched. He would have been 56 today. He'd have been away on his boat, or on a cruise like he usually did for his birthday.

I missed him a lot this week, and when my work schedule came out for December, I realized it's going to get harder before it gets easier. Will we have shooter night/tree decorating? Whose going to wear the tree skirt? Christmas morning. I haven't missed a Christmas morning with my dad my entire life.

For a guy who said he doesn't believe in the afterlife, in his final time, he promised us he'd find a way to be with us. I believe him that if there's a way, he's stubborn enough to find it. And he's never broken a promise to me.

I've seen it on Facebook, people are losing loved ones everyday. People will tell you "time heals all wounds" I wish I could remember who said it to me, so I could credit them properly, but time doesn't heal the wounds. It only teaches us to be more capable of coping with them. I hope these words of mine, my story can bring you a little comfort. 

We are still here Grams. We can do this. Together. As a family. I love the pictures coming up from Cali ladies, you're in our hearts today. *hugs* 

Baiting the hook - POF Sequel

I've put myself in quite the predicament, because I started sending some POF guys my blog, as a great example of how witty and charming I can be, right? WRONG!! Now I can't remember who I sent it to, and which of their nicknames I can't drop. If I was one of those guys, I'd be reading this to find out if I made an impression or not. Just saying.

Not that I'm offensive, I would like to think I blog about my experiences tastefully, and typically the only person I make fun of is me.

That being said, let me just say that some guys come out of the gate with a strategy. One guy, SugarDaddy, he was all business.

Some guys ask you what you're looking for too, maybe they want to see if they fit the bill? I've said, "Someone nice, who's got their shit together and likes to have fun. He's gotta make laugh!" The usuals. But in the last couple days I've come up with a couple bonus' that are slightly unusual.

SEAT WARMERS!!! Yes, I drive a 91' Ford Escort, seat warmers feel like an out of reach luxury. I want my next car to have them. But a car I might be in a lot in the mean time...although I'd find a way to screw that up too. "THE CAKE!! IT'S MELTING!!"

Also, a bath tub. Didn't realize how much I miss the occasional bath. Yes they're both material-ish things. Judge on. You try going 6 months without a single bath and cold butt.

Anyhow, some guys have strategies to get your attention, but so far the ones that have started to stick are the witty, funny ones I can actually have a decent conversation with. I'm told this is actually rare? Maybe my fellow female POF competition is just making this too easy for me...

Cupcake

You can't fault a desert that's literally half icing. 

And half off because Halloween is over. Buya! 

Fishing away - POF Sequel

There's this huge stigma online of being "weird". Everyone is trying to be skinny, and assure you, "it's ok, I'm normal". Well I'm neither. And usually when they say that, they aren't either for the record. I've found vanilla, and honestly, it's so very bland. I've actually started asking, "what's your favourite Ice Cream flavour?"

I've taken on a "balls out" mentality. My being so blunt, and open has definitely been interpreted the wrong way. But it's a chance I'm willing to take. I read on a guy's profile that he described his personality as, "straight edge" I didn't even respond to him. Whatever ugly turn of events we'd take to find that out, I saved him from it.

What am I going to gain by faking my personality and covering up my outlandishness? Nothing. A cruel awakening for him at some point is inevitable.

Part of me is actually hoping I don't run into "the one" online. The poor sucker already has to spend the rest of his life with me, the thought of him also being subjected to the ridiculousness and absurdity of humanity? Cruel world indeed.

I found Mr Wrong. He called me a "chubby b****" because I wouldn't sleep with him. Yup. I'm a tease, with too much attitude that wasted his time. And did you know there's actually a website for gents like this gem? My friend suggested it to me as I was slumped in front of the mirror, a well timed confidence boost, and part of the reason she's so dear to me.

Something else I've learned, don't drink and online date. Sending a poor guy this snapshot might even seem like a good idea. At the time.

Just another fish...

Of which there are PLENTY? Oh yes, that's right people. Last night I set up my very own account on Plenty of Fish. POF the cool kids call it. Funny, because Monday I was just telling a close friend of mine I couldn't get excited about dating. But I had my sister's over, and in retrospect, it could have been strategic that they waited until I was half cut.

First hurdle we had was username. I wanted to pick, "SpunkyJenn" until it was brought to my attention the other meaning of "spunk", in which case being full of spunk might not be the good first impression I'm going for. "FunkyJenn" it is.

Do you know how many QUESTIONS there are to fill out a complete profile? Holy MAN! And not even that I discovered anything new about myself, but my sisters opinions of me. "Are you SURE Jenn? You want to hit 'agree' on that one? You don't consider yourself stubborn? Not even a little bit??"

They have a section similar to Tinder, only better. They have Yes. No. MAYBE!! I just keep hitting that maybe button just to show enthusiasm that it even exists! I honour you, maybe button. 

I'm petrified of running into someone I know. I've run into Tinder guys, and that's awkward enough, because as if I can remember the conversation we had, or ANYTHING about them. But what happens when I run into someone I know from real life? And it will happen. Only a matter of time...

And who could say no to THAT offer? Ugh.At least he said, "bottle of coke..." I'm not going to meet Mr Right am I, Mr RIGHT NOW maybe...;) 

Sniff test

Quite often I use this term to describe people who smell their clothes before they wear them for cleanliness, although one might argue that's not clean at ALL. But last week I had another sniff test kind of experience. I was melting in guilt at work all day because I'd used my friends deodorant without asking. I had a feeling he wasn't a germaphobe, and he wouldn't give two shits, but I just felt so BAD! So on my break I hoofed it over to the drug store to buy him a replacement. But I wanted to get him the same kind, and even though I knew the brand, there's a large variety of scents. So I started smelling my armpit, and checking it against the pit sticks. Well lady McPrim&Proper strolls by, and I can't even describe the look she gave me. As if I'd insulted her religion! Stolen her first born child! I'm not sorry my unusual behaviour offended you so much, it's how I get my shits and giggles. Keep walking!

That guy's got game!

I'm beginning to wonder how much of my life is genuine versus social experiments. It's a pretty gray area right? So when I was out at the club dancing my arse off a while back there, I couldn't help but notice this one guy and how he was interacting with women. There's no other way to describe it, he had GAME! Lets be clear, he wasn't particularly good looking, he just knew exactly what to say. I was dancing along to a Backstreet Boys song when he leaned into me and said, "Oh my gawd, I love this song!"

My female brain automatically jumped with joy thinking, "YES! Me too!" I smiled. I turned to him and said, "Oh damn, you're good!" He wore a cowboy hat that he'd take off and put on the girl he was dancing with. He made whatever girl he was giving his attention to feel like the centre of his world. He could dance. I couldn't help it, I was naturalistically observing/blatantly staring at him for a while. Not a single doubt in my mind he got a least a few phone numbers that night. No Grams, not mine. I saw through him, but I appreciate his style despite finding his level of confidence slightly off putting. He should teach classes. Go you game guy!

Trick, treat...or SPOOK?

What are your Halloween traditions? Among getting dressed up, carving pumpkins and calming the poor dog down from the damn fireworks, do you also get excited to scare children? I was chatting to my Grams on the phone the other day when she mentioned she answers the door on her knees, to get herself down to the kids level so she doesn't scare them. This made me laugh for two reasons, for one because I'd never heard of people doing that until her very own sister told me she also does that. For two, Auntie does that specifically to scare the pants off the poor little buggers that knock at her door. Oh yea. Uncle Doug puts on scary music, they turn the lights down, she puts on a flashing witch hat and *ding dong*. She told me last year she felt awful that she'd scared a poor little girl so bad she wouldn't come back for her copious amounts of candy.

But this is a running thread isn't it? My most memorable trick or treating experiences involved a guy who dug a grave in his front yard, and laid in it super still until we got close enough for him to grab our ankles. And what's too far? One parent jumped out of the bush and chased out of the yard, screaming after with us. I'm also pretty sure that's part of the reason mom never argued to stay home to hand out the candy, and she was scary enough without dressing up. Dad never minded taking us out either, but I found out much later it wasn't just coffee in those travel mugs..

Eager beaver

                          

OH GAWD!! Did we actually say this when we were kids to describe the kids that were sucking up to the teachers? How awful. Now that I'm an adult I figured out why my parents giggled at that term...

Shopping cart judgement

I get excited about grocery shopping for a multitude of reasons that don't make sense, but this one I know I'm not alone on. One of my favourite pass times at the grocery store is peeking at other people's buggies and carts, and often wondering how they're going to eat for a week. Especially bachelors, they're my favourite. Easy to spot because they're alone and wearing a wrinkled shirt, but you have to spot them quick, they're never there long. Toilet paper, a frozen pizza and pepperoni sticks eh? Good luck my friend. You're only here because all the take out places you have the numbers memorized for are closed. Sometimes couples lend some entertainment too though. What they make compromises on, and what they're most definitely not going to compromise about. Ever. "Put everything else is the cart that's mine back. Go ahead. We ARE getting Jet Puffed. I just can't live without spreadable marshmallow for a week..." On the contrary, parents grocery shopping scare me. They always look half dead. Like the last time they had a good night's sleep was years before, and if you poked them, they'd fall right over. You poor things. Find a sucker like me to watch your kids, you need a break. :)

Colour confused

I can't help it, first thing I thought of was, "I wonder what colour they put on their insurance paperwork?" Colour: sometimes purple...turn the right way, it's blue...depends where you're standing in relation to the sun really...

Truth about dancing...

 Lately you can't spit without hitting a Facebook inspirational quote about "dancing like you do when no one's watching" and I'm here to say they're all lying. It's all not true, anywhere I've been dancing anyhow. Here's the thing though, I actually forgot to warn a friend of mine when we went out the other night...

Even when I'm stone cold sober, and the designated driver, I have a tendancy to "let loose" while dancing. Lets be clear, I have no rythym and little class, so this is by no means a pretty sight. I actually prefer to mingle into the middle of a dancing mob, because on the outskirts I get people pointing and laughing. Poor Sam. And I got a couple drinks in me too. She had a good attitude about it though. Good thing too, because I seem incapable of getting things under wraps. Warning: when one LETS GO, she may have a hard time getting it back again...

A holler and a shout

First off, I want to send out a big holler to all the gracious souls who frequently check out my dribble, I've hit over 9000 hits on my blog. Thanks to my biggest fans, who include my dear Grams. But thank you also to those readers in my life who keep it a secret, maybe my blog is your guilty pleasure. Last week I met my friends boyfriend for the first time, and he'd read my blog. Not sure how I feel about this being someones first impression of me, but that reminds me. Thanks to my readers in Russia, I'm sure you're all quite lovely.

And now a huge SHOUT OUT to someone I consider one of my closest friends, KRISTI ROOTS.

Who despite my constant bombardment still has NOT read my blog. This one's for you my love. Now click the sidebar and check out all my old posts. Sacrifice one of those nights you stay up until 3am on Netflix, there WILL be a test later.

Crowded cry

I went to see the movie If I Stay with a friend a couple weeks back. It's pretty sad, about a girl who's in a car accident with her family, and her body is in a coma. She decides if she wants to stay living in our world, or pass on. It flashes back to her life, the day of the accident, and her life since. Now when I say it's pretty sad, I mean it. Closer to downright heartbreaking. And I'm so in touch with my emotions, I've cried at commercials occasionally, so needless to say, I was a balling mess. But isn't that weird how we do that? I realized I was in a room full of strangers, in the dark, attempting to cry quietly, as were all of them. Kinda strange really...

Bottle me up

Somewhat accidentally, I started contributing to my fundraising for the Ride to Conquer Cancer by taking in my friends bottle returns. It's more lucrative than you'd think! I've made $120 so far! I'd try to thank everyone, but then I'd miss someone. This picture below is from a lovely family who celebrated a wedding, and donated their bottle returns. Want to guess how much it came to?  

$45 was that pull. Even the random guy I bought my bike rack from donated me a carload when he found out I was doing the ride. $20 from that one. He'll be doing it with me next year, should I make it. When I make it. 

But this might work right? Maybe we're onto something. Bottles. A change jar. It's still a donation to a great cause. I need this win guys, help me get there. 

Here's a link to my fundraising page:

http://www.conquercancer.ca/site/TR/Events/Vancouver2015?px=3775976&pg=personal&fr_id=1524

First ride

My cousin and I went on our first of many training rides this past Sunday. I've signed up to do the 2015 Ride to Conquer Cancer, and should I make my fundraising goal of $2500, I'll ride 260km from here to Seattle next August. Sundays ride was significantly less since it was my first time on my new bike, we rode 18.4km in an 1h18mins, with an average speed of 14.1km. All of these stats were tracked on a bike monitor thingy my cousin has .Very cool really, I WANT ONE!! 

We had a rocky start, since she lives in a complex with a steep, sharp incline to get to the road. There I was, new biking shorts, new bike, grunting up the very SMALL hill thinking, "what on earth have I gotten myself into this time..." And when we got to the top, we had a frustrating encounter with a hand bike tire pump, but I was just happy to have a change to catch my breath. 

The GREAT thing about this ride was I discovered I do in fact like long distance biking. Because that would be the absolute shits if I didn't. I also discovered there's a lot to gears, and changing them to match hills and such. Weird. I just had this idea I was going to jump on the bike and go. A long ways. There's SKILL involved? 

I did ok though, mostly with the guidance from my ubber patient cousin. "So Jay, we do try not to ride in the middle of the road like that..." Near the end of the ride, I was liking it so much, we did an extra loop to make the route longer. "Nah, I'm good to go, LET'S DO THIS!!" 

I'm going to train my arse off, and I'll get my body ready, I need your help to get there though. I've included a link to my fundraising page: 

http://www.conquercancer.ca/site/TR/Events/Vancouver2015?px=3775976&pg=personal&fr_id=1524

I signed up to do this ride on Father's Day, and the money I raise will go directly to the type of Cancer that Dad fought, and lost earlier this year. This cause, this ride, this challenge is close to my heart. Help me get there.

Singles Mingler

Just in case you thought my ramblings about single life were over with Tinder, I want to tell you about a Singles Mingler I went to last week. First thing I did wrong was show up on time. Just like clubs, they don't get off their feet right away. I also went by myself, because #singledoesntstopme and I thought I might be more approachable that way, but almost every other girl there came in a clump. So I got my class of wine, and mingled away.

The people I got along the best with, women and men, were the people I made jokes with. One gentlemen showed me magic tricks. The event was 19+, emphasis on the plus. A couple guys I was talking to, I was busy doing the math in my head while they talked, until I'd come to the conclusion, "Yup, he's old enough to be my dad..." We had the opportunity to write messaged to each other based on our  number. I wrote my first one...

Yea, I wrote it to myself. I was also the first one to receive a real message though. It asked me what brought me here, and I never found poor number 4 all night. I got a message saying a guy liked my smile. One guy gave me his number. I stayed for a couple hours. 

It wasn't until I was putting my glass away back at the bar that I found the giant cluster of people my age. Hanging out near the bar, I should have guessed. They all seemed quite normal too. 

That's the kicker people. The big take away I got from this event was how I spoon feed people my craziness. You laugh, but it's true. Through this entire process, I've felt a giant hesitation to be too much myself, because lets face it, I'm pretty out of the box. I like to differentiate between good crazy, and bad crazy, but I doubt anyone would let me get that far. 

Only once throughout all of Tinder did I actually relax and act truly myself, and shit it was refreshing. My friend put it in the best words, "wave your freak flag" she said. Best advice I've gotten so far. It helps that she's in a ridiculously happy relationship with an awesome guy. "I found someone else waving theirs too!" Brilliant. Going forward, my freak flag flies.     

Also a shout out to my readers, the I'm Yelling Tinder post hit 200 page views this past week, and I couldn't be happier. I love you all. Especially the green dots in Russia I've never met, I'm sure you're all swell. 

Touchless

I was using a public washroom yesterday,  with those super nifty sensor taps that rarely work properly. It got me thinking. I was raised in a super loving environment, my parents always hugged and kissed me, and before they left, "I love you have a good day" and before bed, "I love you, goodnight". Since living on my own, it's occurred to me that I can go entire days without touching anyone. I'm a touchy-feely kinda girl, but I've never put much thought into it. I hug my coworkers, my sisters, strangers...but it occurred to me that sometimes we live in a touchless world. Cuddles people!  They're important to your emotional health, do not take this lightly. Keep calm and hug on.

Creepy bobbing heads

If you haven't been forced to download the new Facebook messenger, you will. I was buying something off a buy/sell/swap group on Facebook when it put the block on me. I needed that stupid address or I would have avoided it on principle.

When you're chatting with someone now, it's a whole separate app, that runs in conjunction with any other app you're running. What it does is turns the person's profile picture into a small sphere on your screen that you're able to click on to keep talking to them.

So you could be up until the wee hours, Tindering away, and if you talked to your Grams that day, there her face is. In the app. Judging you.

Or my problem was, a friend did one of those "what you'll look like in 60 years" photos and made it his profile picture. Harmless enough, until that creepy little head was EVERYWHERE I went on my phone. I made him change it so the night terrors would go away.

Hold your finger on the heads, and you can move them around your screen wherever you wish. With a little imagination, that gets fun quick. But when youre done, hold them down and a little X bubble appears at the bottom, where you can swipe the obediently into and they disappear. For another volcanic day. Oops!

Toodles Tinder

My sister created a new verb, "Are you Tindering again?" when we hang out. I've made a habit of getting a large tea in the morning so I don't fall asleep at work due to staying up half the night. I went to a party last weekend, and my blog was the only interesting thing that's happened to me lately. We are long past the point where this is a problem. 

I also realized in all my Tinder sequels, with all the turns offs and swipe rights, I've never composed a list of all my good qualities. I've realized I have a lot to offer. And world, be ready for me. Serena told me today I'm taking on dating like, "force of destruction". She meant it as a compliment; I'm the writer in the family by the way. She meant that I'm taking it head on, and being single doesn't stop me. (my very own witty hashtag #singledoesntstopme, it's not viral, YET) 

Its been a fun confidence booster, whether or not I actually end up meeting anyone to write home about. This sounds open ended because if you haven't noticed, I don't write about someone until it hasn't worked out, call it superstition. As a leaving present, some gems I've found lately, since I figured out how to take screen shots. 

Please note some cameo's here, thanks to the new Facebook messenger. Don't ask how I've mentally justified posting these, my answer might include unquestionable stupidity and a sincere inquiry on the state of the world. Toodles Tinder, its been fun.

Having a moment - Tinder Sequel

At this point I feel slightly bad that I'm turning my Tinder experience into a social experiment. Such is last Friday when I was going to Yoga, and posted my first "moment". As far as I can tell, it's a picture you can take, add words to, and then it becomes viewable to only your matches for 24 hours. By the time I'd finished the class, it already had 15 likes. After the whole 24 hours, it had.37 likes! 

Little do they know this is the only pose I can do with any conviction, and it was completely staged. The guys I'd been talking to definitely mentioned it, and a few that hadn't bothered to say hi all of sudden felt compelled to.

One of the guys said, "Hmmm, that will give gentlemen bad thoughts...." Uh yea, maybe that was the point. I can't bust into a rant about how guys are pigs because to be fair to these poor unsuspecting souls, the more I think about it, the more I'm convinced it was a trap. I'm the pig. 

I just wanted to see what would happen. And at first I thought 37 was a lot of likes, until I started to count up my matches, and realized I have over a hundred. This perfectly demonstrates the other issue I've had with Tinder lately. I'm bloody well addicted to it! It's been my comical muse, but I feel very strongly, it's almost time to say goodbye. 

Ustin's are OUT! - Tinder sequel

If you're wondering why I'm doing sequel posts, which are out of character for me, my first Tinder post had 156 pageviews. This is a new record for me, it's predecessor post being in the neighborhood of 60-65 pageviews.

So after we've both swiped right on Tinder, we chat away until I pass his crazy screening and he gives me his number, and we chat some more, eventually we get to the point where he suggests we meet up. (I never suggest this, what am I? A clinger?)  For those of you yelling "DANGER ZONE!", including all my more wise family members, let be clear, I'm not dumb. Public crowded places people!

The group I went July long weekend camping with teased me because the first two guys I chatted with for any length both had Ustin names. I would give you an example, but I can only think of the two actual names, and I've decided to change the names of everyone I talk about because:
1. My nicknames are funnier
2. I don't want to be sued

3. I don't want any of them to read this and be offended. 

4. The world is far too small not to cover my butt. 

5. I have a conscious! 

These poor guys knew I'm a writer, but did they know I'm going to document them? Probably not. 

So anyways, my first date was with Shy Guy Says. Poor guy. For a first date, I much prefer coffee, then what was our dinner date at a local bar. Coffee can be 15 minutes or two hours. Dinner, not so much. So the guy was shy, and such a SWEETHEART, but not a little shy. Not nervous shy. SUPER shy. I am not shy. I was WAY too much him. I hated myself on this date. I never freaking shut up. I barely took a breath. Ugh. 

The other Ustin and I had tentative plans, but he met someone at his sisters wedding and blew me off. Since then, he's sent me a message saying things fizzled with her. Well how sad for you. I am not a consolation prize. Moving on...

I had a date this past Monday with Sqammy, named so because he lived in Squamish. Completely opposite to my first interaction, I couldn't get a word in edgewise! Yea I know. Hard to believe someone was more talkative than me. We had coffee, walked around UBC. He told be about moving to Australia in January. Then he gets a frantic text from his sister who needs a ride home. An out? Maybe, maybe not.  I haven't heard from him or his skinny jeans since. 

Then Thursday I have a coffee date with the Friendly Giant. He was 6'3 and damn, this guy was nice! Normal even! We chatted for a while. I was slightly put off that he kept checking his phone, but that could have been a nervous thing. I liked myself on that date, I was somewhat charming. I did cut things slightly short though. Did I just want to be chased? Maybe. He'd like to go out again, but I just feel like we rubbed some sticks together for a while with no spark. I feel like he deserves better.

More Tinder Turn offs - guys who live at home, smokers, and guys with scary tattoos. You laugh, but it's a thing! If his tattoos are going to give me nightmeres, and when I see it all I can think about is rolling over in the middle of the night and coming face to arm with it and I shiver with fear? Out! 

So then I'm thinking maybe I'm being too picky. But the other day, I had a moment...a photo I take of myself and share with my matches for 24 hours. Check back!

Stage 5 clinger - Tinder sequel

Let's explore a recent accusation against me about being one. At first I was slightly offended, and geared up to defend myself, until I realized he'd hit the nail on the head.

For those playing the home game, there are only five stages of being a clingy individual, and stage 5 is the worst. The Urban Dictionary definition is: A member of the opposite sex that is likely to become overly attached, overly fast. Virgins, those on the rebound, and the emotionally fragile are more likely to have this term applied to them. Orignally from the movie Wedding Crashers.

In my defense, I was two out of three of those, and no, I'm not a virgin. But I should have figured this out sooner to be honest, there's been hints. One friend gave the advice, "Well Jenn, you're just a lot to take all at once". Another friend suggested, "Don't let on that you're too attracted too quickly, you'll scare them off."

Just to bring it all home for me, I had a clinger message me on Tinder. Repeatedly. He'd send 6 to my one. And at one point he said, "do you not want to talk to me?" It was when I realized I was totally put off, and my instinct was to run for it, that things really clicked. 

Let's consider this a Tinder Turn Off, but against me. So I might cling a little. I'm also less than reasonably short. I don't wear make up. I drive a less than glamourous 91' Ford Escort. But the biggest turn off so far? I'm not in it for hook ups. Tinder on! 

Deciphering code - Tinder sequel

So let's be honest, Tinder started out as, and some people still use it as a hook up site. That being said, some guys have figured it out and put what they're looking for in their write up, which is helpful. I avoid the friends for a night kinda guys.

Some are pretty forward. "Hey you want to hang out tonight?" As their opener. They're only looking to get to know one part of you.

Also, "coffee" means I want to get to know you, "drinks" is code for I want in your pants. Right now. After I get a couple drinks in you.

I feel so proud when a guy gives me his number, like "Yes! Passed the crazy screening!" Which has the opposite effect when you actually say that. Imagine a nervous laughter...

One guy opened with, "What's your most awkward sexual moment?" Which I found interesting. It feels a lot like a book idea. So I told him a story about trying to take my undies off and it getting hooked on my foot and falling out of bed. Funny, but still makes a good first impression, right? WRONG! He told me a ronchie story involving his mouth, a girls bum, and ingesting poo. Unmatch.

He was doing what we call paying the odds. Lots of guys take this strategy. Eventually one in one hundred girls will think that's fantastic he took one for the team like that and they live happily ronchie after.

To be honest, other than Poo Guy, I haven't had any awful experiences chatting, which from a writing perspective is awfully boring. But there was that 5th degree clinger...check back!

I'm yelling TINDER...

To be honest, I've been tempted to write about my experience with Tinder, but then I'd actually have to admit I'm on it. Which I wasn't so willing to do in the article I wrote for my college paper about being single but some reason the entire internet feels much more intimate.

So for those of you playing the home game, Tinder is a hook up app that connects to Facebook. It became super popular during the Olympics, because it finds you matches by how close you are, so people could randomly hook up all over the streets of Vancouver. Can you imagine? "Mmmm, this chick's HAWT, and she's 1km away..."

I made a profile with up 6 pictures from my Facebook account, my name and my age. There's also an option for a write up, but I felt far too much pressure and opted out it. I was tempted to write, "looking for someone who likes cooking and is good at it", but I didn't.

That's it ladies and gentlemen. That's all you have to base a huge decision of swipe left for yes and right for no. It feels completely judgmental! How on earth is that ethical? That being said, it's addictive. I'm not ashamed to say I'm swipe happy.

The app also brings up matches who you have common friends with, and common interests. I must have gone nuts one day for interests, I have over 35. Most of which are outdoorsy like hiking, fishing and camping, so I keep getting this super athletic, outdoorsy guys, not that I'm complaining...

I think it would be mean to admit who I've run into that I know in real life, matched based on our common friends on Facebook, but lets just say it's 100 times more jarring than complete strangers.

I've noticed a few reoccurring trends; pictures with dogs, full back tattoos, guys holding guns and topless selfies. The last of which is a Tinder Turn Off for me, and since they're so funny, let me tell you about other automatic swipe rights...

I click no automatically to guys who have girlfriend pictures, too many alcohol pictures, and pictures where you can't see their head. Duh. Don't get me started on the one gem who just had a picture of his junk, in a pair of WET white underwear. Doesn't leave too much to the imagination, does it Grandma? (I know she reads my blog, don't worry Grams, I didn't take a screen shot)

For no explainable reason I also say no to guys who wear scarves. I feel like they're too artistic for my taste. Maybe too metrosexual. I realize this makes no sense. The poor guys are just cold, and I'm not giving them a chance.

I also say no to all guys named Gary, because that would just be weird. Its my dads name, and even though it's pretty uncommon, I'm surprised how many popped up on Tinder. Maybe it's the same guy over and over again, I would never know. I swiped "OUTTA HERE" too quickly.

When I do get matched with a guy, and they message me, I can't stand it when guys use improper grammar, punctuation and spelling. I dun care if u think ur 2 cool for skool, it drives me CRAZY! I'll overlook the occasional "u" or "r" but use two, too or to incorrectly, all bets are off. On an unrelated note, I just discovered an "unmatch" button...

Wow, that's a lot of Tinder Turn Offs. Well a few things I say yes to are guys who put a smiling picture as their first picture, and ones who write something witty in their write up. And gingers. Oh my goodness the gingers. I have something for freckles, and gawd help me if they're covering their entire body head to toe (my only exception to the topless selfies rule).

So far I have lots of matches, I'm talking to a half dozen guys, and I've been on couple dates...but this post is long enough, I guess you'll have to check back for an update ;)

"Beat the heat!"

I hate this phrase. Everytime I hear it, for no good reason, I cringe. The thing is, I don't consider it a phrase, because a phrase is spoken by people, in day to day conversations. This annoying combination of words has only every been used in bad advertising. Ever heard your friend say, "darn good thing I got this popsicle, it's helping me to BEAT THE HEAT!" No. Not even close. It's slogan. I bet the clever bugger that first came up with it is rich as sin. I bet he uses it in conversations, and I hope his friends tease him about it. I would.

DINK

A friend of mine dropped this one of our conversations the other day, it's an acronym for "Duel Income, No Kids". The problem is he used it in a unique context of, "Can't blame him, he's dink..." I feel like you can only use an acronym with success when it's not already another word. I told him dink was taken, now twice. Poor Dinosaur.