Friday, September 23, 2011

Clubbing: What actually happens

With my boyfriends brother turning 19 last week, I had a thought while I was listening to the radio in my car the other day. I listened to artists like Kesha, LMFAO, Katy Perry and they all talked going to clubs in a romanticised way, that might deceive someone who hasn't had their own experiences yet. So I decided to share some of my own experiences...

Shortly after some girlfriends and I decide a day and place, we bicker about who should stay sober to drive. Sometimes the argument of "I drove last time came" comes up, or "You have to work in the morning anyhow.." Then I find the outfit I look the least fat in, and off we go. If we forgot to, or couldn't get on the guest list, then we're stuck waiting in line without coats because the coat check is highway robbery. Wouldn't be so bad if clumps of skinny blondes weren't cutting the line every 5 minutes...but I have to wonder what they're whispering to the bouncers? Promises of sexual favours later? Name dropping? There is always the option of "greasing" the bouncer, where if you casually slip them enough money, they'll let you in. But considering you still have to pay cover after that, and drinks are overpriced..and I've just never had the guts.

So I wait non-patiently in line, freezing my ass off. Then when I get in, I pay for overpriced drinks until my wallets empty and barely feel a buzz. Or I get pretty drunk and attempt to keep track of my cellphone, keys and lipstick all night. The funniest part has to be be the dancing. It always feels super sexy, but I can tell from the looks it's not. The dance floor reminds me of a meat market, with all the creepy older guys surrounding the outside, ready to move in on the girl that looks the drunkest. I'm still waiting for this approach to backfire on them, but I have yet to see one of these guys get puked on.
But speaking of puke, go to the bathroom early on in the night and then hold it until you get home. If you don't, you might open a stall that the sight and smell of will make you yarf too. Warning: If you puke in the bathroom, and then walk out feeling all stealth about it, they will know, and you will get kicked out. This might also happen if you stumble around and look smashed because you're too drunk and they can't get anymore money out of you, so leave.

If the Gang Task Force, or any other Cops show up, it's time to leave. Round up your drunks and get out of there. Stop at a McDonalds on the way home for good measure.  

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