Sunday, November 9, 2014

My thoughts on loss

Before dad, I'd only ever had to deal with the death of a hampster when I was a kid. I'd been to one funeral, a Celebration of Life for a family friend, Auntie Patty. She was a lovely lady I felt fondly for, but it was dad that had grown up with her. I think I always knew losing dad would be the hardest for me, he was just the biggest part of my world. But I imagined being a lot older. I imagined having a husband and kids by then. Now I won't have him to walk me down the isle, or meet his grandkids.

I always imagined life would stop. But that's the weird thing about being grief stricken, life kept going. I still had to get up and go to work to pay my bills. The laundry and dishes still piled up. Dad was at peace, but no one else was. I went from talking to him everyday, to just being able to reminisce about him.

I tried hard to be strong. This "strength" word I kept hearing. I was just faking it at the start. Suddenly though, a week went by. And I was still here. Then a month. Now it's been over six months. He's still gone. Sometimes I see pictures of him, or he shows up in my dreams and it shocks me like it just happened. But I'm still here. And I know he'd want me to make the best of it, like he did. The best compliment I get is when people say they see him in me. Especially when I've done something out of the box.

People tell me the Celebration of Life we had was lovely. I hope they're right. I hope dad got to see how packed it was, with all the people he touched. He would have been 56 today. He'd have been away on his boat, or on a cruise like he usually did for his birthday.

I missed him a lot this week, and when my work schedule came out for December, I realized it's going to get harder before it gets easier. Will we have shooter night/tree decorating? Whose going to wear the tree skirt? Christmas morning. I haven't missed a Christmas morning with my dad my entire life.

For a guy who said he doesn't believe in the afterlife, in his final time, he promised us he'd find a way to be with us. I believe him that if there's a way, he's stubborn enough to find it. And he's never broken a promise to me.

I've seen it on Facebook, people are losing loved ones everyday. People will tell you "time heals all wounds" I wish I could remember who said it to me, so I could credit them properly, but time doesn't heal the wounds. It only teaches us to be more capable of coping with them. I hope these words of mine, my story can bring you a little comfort. 

We are still here Grams. We can do this. Together. As a family. I love the pictures coming up from Cali ladies, you're in our hearts today. *hugs* 


  1. It doesn't get easier, but time becomes the baseline of experience. The more you have without him, the more you have to draw on, and it evens out the hurt.